Oh sure, institutions of higher learning may promote faculty to leadership positions, but what do they know? And maybe one reason Finland is beating the U.S. educationally is that their administrative leaders are all former teachers, but that's only according to the Organization of Economic Coordination and Development's worldwide comparison of educational success. The Boston Globe reports:
Educational leadership is also different in Finland. School principals, district education leaders, and superintendents are, without exception, former teachers. Leadership is therefore built on a strong sense of professional skills and community.
But everybody knows that Finland and Massachusetts are both infested with incompetent evil-doers, right?
Allow the Goofus School of a Performing Art to set the record straight. Here are the Top Ten Reasons Faculty can't HANDLE being administrators, at least at Goofus (where things are going great, really! Everything's fine!).
(N.B.: This does not apply to all administrators, just those at Goofus School, which is a fictional entity so any resemblance to an actual school is purely coincidental.)
10. Administrators at Goofus School must occasionally handle sensitive all-faculty communications, including "Parking Lot Announcement," "2 Free Tickets," and "Copier is Broken." Inexperienced former faculty might become confused and send mass emails trumpeting "2 Free Parking Lots" or "Copier is Tickets."
9. Since faculty are excluded from the Goofus Annual Gala, they don't understand that it takes at least a week to get ready and another week to recover from the hangover. Their inexperience might cause them simply to "get dressed," with no prior planning for avoiding mismatched shoes and garments worn inside-out (not to mention the possibility of punctual return to the office).
8. As the person with the Most Important Job in the School knows, it takes years to figure out how to use punctuation as this requires attention to detail and superior skills in communication which the leadership team feels is generally speaking not a true priority for concern due to the current economy as things are difficult and also the critical shortage of commas and the budget restrictions on periods this year.
7. Administrative work at Doofus School is exhausting, requiring stamina developed through years of practice. As novices, Education People would find it difficult to repeat the word "No" over and over again, day in and day out. It requires muscular strength and can interfere with tooth whitening. In addition, there are physical challenges in the aerobic work needed to spend countless hours running away from risks, responsibility, and accountability.
6. Our administrators know how to sit at desks and type on computers. Former faculty might sit on the computer and type on the desk. Instead of pushing paper they might err in favor of pulling paper. Rather than making copies, they might copy makers... or something. Really, anything could happen.
5. Our administrators attend meetings, requiring them to note meeting days and times on a device called a "calendar," then to remember to look at this calendar, and ultimately not to forget where they're going and why as they walk down the hall en route to said meeting. As newcomers to these challenges of time, space and memory, Education People might end up walking around in circles, dazed and confused, completely unaware of their surroundings.
4. Administrators at our school need to work in a high-stimulus environment without becoming distracted. On occasion, small people called "children" get into the school's lower level for something called "classes," and behave in immature ways, even creating much noise. It's very difficult, and while the administration has done its best to eliminate as many of these "classes" as possible, the problem continues.
3. Only experienced administrators have the right professional polish. This includes selecting a business-like cartoon font in a bright color for emails, which are always best kept to one sentence (complete or incomplete); finessing delicate social communications including complaining, criticizing, gossiping, lying, slandering; and adopting the appropriate condescending attitude to dissuade The Education People from coming upstairs. (They only make trouble.)
2. Teachers tend to think of Doofus School as a "school," rather than a business. Sure, we include an Education Department, but that's just one thing we do! We also have offices -- lots and lots of them -- with desks. Faculty don't understand desks, paper, staplers, or the business mindset. That's why we only rely on people with business mindsets to make our hiring decisions, as they hire more people with business mindsets (if any), and that has been working so well.
1. Our administrators know how to get the faculty to trust and respect them, making them all delighted to work there!
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